I hate starting things out like this but.

as like many heterosexual  adolestent 20 year old males.. I have female issues.

My girlfriend (off and on for like 3+ years) can’t seem to understand me. Or maybe it is the latter. So maybe while i am writing this i can understand where I am going wrong. Or maybe this will be a tool/ some type of guide of how i should go about this relationship with her. I don’t know. But i will know.

so anyways. I get off of work like usual around 11:30pm to about 12:00. I get home, call her. ask her how her day was, what did she eat. And actually pay attention to what she is telling me. storing it into whatever storage is left for information like that. after that retort is done. and i tell her about how was work ( which happens just about the same every day) we get quiet. Which is understandable because we both don’t really have anything to talk about. We know that we both miss each other for we havn’t seen each other since i left from visiting last week. And that visit didn’t last very long. So.. we go quiet. Around this time i would normally go to the gym now. Work out. Get back take a shower and talk/text her until i fall asleep and rinse and repeat.

but she is all into her feelings today (as she as been for awhile now) and she tells me that “i should of been honest with her yesterday and told her that i would be the same type of sitiuation, and i treat her like some late night caller type” or somethere type of shit. So i’m like Nevermind then. I won’t go to the gym. She tells me that’s not the point. I say alright so what do you want me to do. I’m allready off put about going to the gym. and she gives me this whole speal about how i don’ listen to her. and a bunch of other crap.  and ends it with saying i should just go to the gym.

i say no. if you want to go just go. don’t let me be a cop out

we stay on the phone. both quiet for what seems like an enterinty

she tells me that she is leaving. i say alright, but why?

she tells me it’s my job to make her happy. and i can’t do that so she’s leaving.  (as in getting off the phone) and tells me to call her when i figure something out.

i don’t/ can’t keep doing this.

i wonder if it is time to part ways

i love her truely but damn i want something less complicated. less irrational. more understand.

maybe we are both trying to get at something that cannot happen anymore. and it might take one of us manning up to part ways.
it will be hard on her.
and i know after this time i won’t be coming back to her.
it’s strange because i can actually see myself marring her, and being happy. but not the “me” that i am today. but a different me. Maybe a past me. The me i was when i first met her, and wanted nothing more in the world but to hold her close to me, to protect her, and maker her smile every second of the day.

I think that me broke when she cheated on me
she says that she didn’t but i already know
there are other ways of cheating on someone.
like seeing their supposed best-friend 24/7 when you were supposed to be with me

i don’t hold on to that anymore but.

i don’t think that me exists anymore

and i think she can see that.