10/2/14

yeah man
it’s been awhile but. I feel like i need to write atleast something about what’s going on
me and my girfriend broke up, for real this time. Atleast i think it’s like that.
something petty, in my book, took its tole and wrecked what was turning out to be a good day.
should of went to work
should of not looked at my phone
should of not found this pride of mine, which i hold so dear.
i wan’t trust
i need it
in relationships and in life. I want to share myself with someone i can fully be truthful with, and never have to question them at all.
i didn’t have that so.
i guess let it be.
i love you. but maybe we’re not able to be together at this point in time.
i cause alot of pain. and i’m sorry.
this is a busy time in my life and I know that I’m not always going to be there for you
i want you to be strong, a symbol of strength.
but all i see when i look at you is how much i’m not living up to what you need
what our future would behold, what life style i want to enjoy.
i’m working hard.
i just hope i’m not making a mistake.
with or without
you.

conversations with myself

Mis-communication is a thing 
like a tangible being. 
some hideous fanged monster that’s behind you when you least expect it
when you try to fight against it 
it ends up devouring you faster 
like quick sand
you sink, and sink, and sink into it’s depths 
never to be heard from again. 

it boils down to just sheer emotion anyways 
what’s the point of being wrong?
or right for that matter?
it doesn’t really matter. 
that instant glorification of having your ideas expressed as a true 
will only last as long as the conversation in time, which for that matter 
won’t last forever
you’ll end up searching for certainty in everything that you say, 
every conversation turned battle 
waging wars with words 
every unsuspecting civilian turn caustically, of your onslaught 
you’re merciless 

and here you find me, overturn and war struck. 
waving the white flag, for even though I know what seems to escape you
that i am right, in this matter 
and you are wrong, 
and for this matter, 
it matters not. 
i am done. nonetheless. 

Choices.

I need a better relationship
one without all the stress. 
I’m trying to better myself. 
But it seems to not matter. 

Reason being:

whatever I do it doesn’t seem to make past mistakes disappear
a whole day can be ruined with the flip of a switch
I don’t think I can handle an emotionally unstable person anymore, I just don’t think i have it in me.
I find it crazy that you can’t practice what you preach. 
Neediness is a both an attractive element and a repulsive one. 
it’s leaning more towards repulsive now. 
I don’t want a relationship that seems like a chore.

maybe i’m not ready

I just don’t want to end up never committing to anything. And i don’t want to end up ruining something because maybe i’m not putting forth enough effort. So I’m torn. 
between accepting this behavior and learning to cope with it 
or letting this go. 
i wish i knew the answer. 

Take 2

This is not a vent

I know. second post and you’re already straying from the subject manner. 
two words,
fuck you. 

now that we got that out of the way. 

I wanted to put to pad…er.. put to computer 
what I’ve been thinking about for some time now.
Why do people have jobs who don’t want them?
I understand the necessity and pure happenstance of emotion. Everyone can’t be happy about their job every moment of their life. and sometimes you have to to treat it like what it is. At the end of the day it is a job, not a passion, not a thing that you do for fun. but simply put a job. 
In which you get paid to do some sort of function, whether it be sitting at a a desk all day endlessly typing away, or wasting away sorting a heap of clothes people try on but never buy. 
be that as it may people treat jobs like they grow on trees
like you can simply just pick another fruit whenever the need might suit you.

People out here are hungry
Someone’s going to take your fruit if you don’t want it bad enough
Don’t take the fruit if you really don’t want it 
You’re wasting your time.
Someone would be happy in the position that you find yourself in your overweight fruit hoarder

maybe when you take it in yourself to tactfully take an evaluation of your surroundings you shall see that the sea doesn’t look so fruitful as you once saw it. 
especially of the way you’ve treated the spoils of which you may now want to return to 

Simply put
Don’t misuse whatever position you may hold today
If you don’t want it, don’t get it
if you want it, Go get it. 
grow a tree. 
and may all the fruit be with 

I hate starting things out like this but.

as like many heterosexual  adolestent 20 year old males.. I have female issues.

My girlfriend (off and on for like 3+ years) can’t seem to understand me. Or maybe it is the latter. So maybe while i am writing this i can understand where I am going wrong. Or maybe this will be a tool/ some type of guide of how i should go about this relationship with her. I don’t know. But i will know.

so anyways. I get off of work like usual around 11:30pm to about 12:00. I get home, call her. ask her how her day was, what did she eat. And actually pay attention to what she is telling me. storing it into whatever storage is left for information like that. after that retort is done. and i tell her about how was work ( which happens just about the same every day) we get quiet. Which is understandable because we both don’t really have anything to talk about. We know that we both miss each other for we havn’t seen each other since i left from visiting last week. And that visit didn’t last very long. So.. we go quiet. Around this time i would normally go to the gym now. Work out. Get back take a shower and talk/text her until i fall asleep and rinse and repeat.

but she is all into her feelings today (as she as been for awhile now) and she tells me that “i should of been honest with her yesterday and told her that i would be the same type of sitiuation, and i treat her like some late night caller type” or somethere type of shit. So i’m like Nevermind then. I won’t go to the gym. She tells me that’s not the point. I say alright so what do you want me to do. I’m allready off put about going to the gym. and she gives me this whole speal about how i don’ listen to her. and a bunch of other crap.  and ends it with saying i should just go to the gym.

i say no. if you want to go just go. don’t let me be a cop out

we stay on the phone. both quiet for what seems like an enterinty

she tells me that she is leaving. i say alright, but why?

she tells me it’s my job to make her happy. and i can’t do that so she’s leaving.  (as in getting off the phone) and tells me to call her when i figure something out.

i don’t/ can’t keep doing this.

i wonder if it is time to part ways

i love her truely but damn i want something less complicated. less irrational. more understand.

maybe we are both trying to get at something that cannot happen anymore. and it might take one of us manning up to part ways.
it will be hard on her.
and i know after this time i won’t be coming back to her.
it’s strange because i can actually see myself marring her, and being happy. but not the “me” that i am today. but a different me. Maybe a past me. The me i was when i first met her, and wanted nothing more in the world but to hold her close to me, to protect her, and maker her smile every second of the day.

I think that me broke when she cheated on me
she says that she didn’t but i already know
there are other ways of cheating on someone.
like seeing their supposed best-friend 24/7 when you were supposed to be with me

i don’t hold on to that anymore but.

i don’t think that me exists anymore

and i think she can see that.